Divorce Tip #6 – Stay in Your House!
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This divorce tip will be straight to the point. Do not move out of the house/apartment unless you are forced to via a court order! Your wife may demand that you move out, and you may feel like the only way to get some peace is to take yourself out the “battle ground”, but this will more than likely be the first (and possibly biggest) mistake that you will make during your divorce.You may be thinking that the move is only temporary and the divorce courts will decide later on down the road that you are truly entitled to live in your home. Through my own experience and divorce, I can safely guarantee you this… Don’t count on it! By moving out of the home, you are telling the court two things:
1) You don’t want or need the home and that you have the financial means to find other residence while your wife will claim otherwise. Once you officially leave the house, it is almost impossible to make your way back in, even if you are the one who pays the mortgage or rent.
2) If you have kids, you are making the statement that you have no problem abandoning them and letting your spouse have full custody. Even though, we all know that this is not true, the courts will see otherwise. There will be NO statement that you can make in court that will justify why you chose to leave your kids behind.
If there is no possible way that you will be able to live under the same roof as your soon to be ex-wife, then you may want to propose sharing the residence, but at different times. This way you can both claim the home as your legal residence, but don’t have to be in each other’s face all the time. And your kids have the chance to remain in the home that they are used to. A home that they consider to be a “safe place”.
There are a couple of divorce tricks that you need to be on the look out for. You may find that your wife has changed the locks to your home, in order to keep you from getting back in. Remember, this is legally still your home too, so even though you might not want to, you have every right to “break-in”. I say this with quotes, because you can’t get into trouble for breaking into your own home. People forget their keys all the time and don’t get arrested for it.
Another, dirtier trick that is usually cooked up between your wife and her divorce attorney is to make some false accusation against you. Whether she claims that she is afraid for her life, or if she goes to the extreme to falsely accuse you of having physically abused her or your kids, she is doing it for one reason. She is making an attempt to get an emergency court order that will keep you from having any contact with her or your kids, and to keep you from being allowed to come on YOUR property. Unfortunately, this happens more than you think. This may only be temporary until it gets settled in court, but you will be kept from your home for at least 2 weeks. My #1 suggestion when this happens: Don’t retaliate! Just work with your divorce attorney to get things settled as quickly as possible. Retaliation will only work to back your wife’s accusations.
If anyone out there has had a similar situation or some additional advice, please share it with all of us here. More information is always better, and there is a very big chance that someone else here is going through the exact same situation in their divorce.
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May 26th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
“”"Another, dirtier trick that is usually cooked up between your wife and her divorce attorney is to make some false accusation against you.”"”
This is definitely true. Be very very careful in choosing your words and where you put them! I left a supposedly questionable status on my myspace recently and was torn out of proportion as a threat to her. As a result I was denied access to my son for a week while I “cooled off”… Also, If you are not living with your wife and are doing exchanges of your children and there is any possibility that your wife might try to accuse you of violence in any form, make sure you are getting a friend or relative to be there for exchanges. If some one is not available then go to a public place like McD’s or a store with cameras and try and arrive there before your scheduled time and introduce yourself to a manager and ask them to keeo an eye on the exchange. I say a manager because htey will b more credible and more likely than other employees to still be there next week. Even get their card or contact info if you can.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Justin, thanks for adding this advice. This is a very big issue and I am in the process of writing another post that goes into this in a little more detail. But like you said false accusations happen all the time and the men in the divorce need to know what to do to protect themselves… A little planning can go along way to preventing this from happening. Never underestimate what your soon to be ex-wife might try to do, especially if they are under the influence of a divorce attorney that has no issues with using dirty tricks to get things done. Remember, no one knows more about dirty divorce tactics than a seasoned divorce attorney.
Stay tuned for more information on this topic.
Chris
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:36 am
Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for posting.
August 28th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Very good advice. Unfortunately, the violence accusation to separate you from your home is almost universally used today (at least in my area), and there is absolutely no defense against it. And as our local family courts are so backed up, it will often take considerably longer than 2 weeks. For example: my ex did this to me 7 years ago to start our divorce, and it took me almost 6 weeks to get a hearing, at which point my lawyer urged me to make a temporary settlement with my ex to avoid the risk of a final ruling by the Judge, which would have made my divorce “war” that much harder.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:58 am
Why in world would you want to live in the same house with a spouse who will accuse you of threatening her life falsely, abuse or whatever to get you arrested? It seems you are safer as a man by moving out of the home. I just don’t get the advantage of living with an estranged spouse while you are going through a divorce.
October 14th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Jojo,
There are so many variables you need to consider before you up and leave your home. If there are children involved that is a big factor… A divorce case can go on for months if not years in which case you are granting your estranged spouse custody of the children without even knowing it. Do you think that after 1 1/2 year divorce battle where you have been living away from your children for an extended period of time the judge is going to grant someone anymore than joint custody? And that is the best case scenario, you could be lucky to get all weekends. If you have no children, then you can scratch that reasoning!
Secondly, do you own the home in question? Are you willing to give up your rights to that home? Let’s say that you get an apartment and let your soon to be ex (and the kids?) stay in the home. You can’t stop paying on that home, especially if you are on the mortgage. So now you have to pay for 2 residences. Not only is this going to put a huge strain on your finances (especially now that you have to consider legal fees), but you will be telling everyone, including the judge, that you can afford to do this. And if that is the case why not continue to pay for your ex’s housing after the divorce is finalized, at least until she can make enough money to continue in the lifestyle that she was accustomed to while you were married. In other words it makes a great case for her to be granted alimony, where before it was not likely. If you don’t own the house that you are living in then you can scratch that reasoning as well.
Remember you, as the man, are not required to move out to avoid conflict. She can move out just the same, but that is rarely considered. You should do everything that you can to protect yourself from false accusations. For one, NEVER put your hands on her for any reason, that will be a easy out for her. While in person (obviously you can’t do it over the phone) tape every argument and/or conversation that you have. She will more than likely threaten you with the false accusations before she acts on it. This is hard evidence that she will not have, and it will work in your favor.
Ultimately the decision of whether or not to move out is yours… But make sure you consider all the variables before making a decision. Don’t act out for the wrong reasons, Anger & resentment can be very strong emotions that make people do crazy things sometimes. Just be sure to think things out and make a rational decision.
Best of luck to you!!!
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, I don’t have a law degree, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:34 pm
Taping every argument seems like a good idea,but her attorney will without a doubt say that you antagonized her then started the recording.
November 4th, 2009 at 9:57 am
Sure I agree with Jake… In fact her divorce attorney is going to do a lot more to make you out to be the bad guy, that is what he is being paid to do!
But consider this, if you have solid evidence in the form of multiple tapes showing her going off the deep end on a regular basis, and all they have is their word that you antagonized her, who do you think will come off looking better. Evidence in hand is always going to stand up better in court than just “her word”. Besides if you are this chronic antagonizer then your soon to be ex should be able to prove that fairly easily with evidence of her own (ie Tapes, e-mails, letters, etc). You have to be more prepared, more cunning, and smarter than her, and you will find that their complaints and allegations will quickly start to fall apart… especially if you have a seasoned divorce attorney of your own.
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, “I am not an attorney and therefore cannot give you legal advice concerning your divorce; however, I do have a strong understanding of how the system works so I can discuss the options with you…)
November 11th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Divorce lawyers are trained to make the adversary (you)
hate them and your wife who hired them. This will cause
you to lose it. If you possibly can, be very professional
and businesslike in every way. This is very hard I know.
But you will be believed much more readily and the opposing
attorney will know he has a cool head to deal with. It will
save much time with your lawyer if you just forget about
complaining or critizing. Your lawyer is on your side.
It will not be fair. Sometimes it will not make sense.
HOWEVER it will make your wife crazy if you are Mr. Cool-
believe me this is so. The opposing lawyer will see some
of himself in you and it will affect his case. Be courteous
and polite AT ALL TIMES- even when lies are told about you.
You will get your chance. try your best not to be emotional
during this most emotional time. A long sigh is good —
looking down at the floor is good — DO NOT SHAKE YOUR HEAD
AND CAST VIOLENT LOOKS AT THE OTHER TEAM. For the lawyers
and the judge this is only business even though it is tearing you up.
Let it be business for you too and you will come out of it better and
be FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE to the next woman you develop a
relationship with down the road.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Thank You Tony! Best comment yet on MensDivorceHQ.org.
Guys re-read Tony’s comment over and over again. This is very important point that you should take to heart. This is not just an good advice about how to handle yourself during your divorce case, It is a Must!! If you keep your head about you the judge will notice it, both divorce attorney’s will notice, and best of all your soon to be ex-wife will notice it. And nothing will frustrate her more during the divorce if no matter what lies or crap they throw at you just brush it off and wait for your turn.
Hey Tony, You are hired!
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, “I am not an attorney and therefore cannot give you legal advice concerning your divorce; however, I do have a strong understanding of how the system works so I can discuss the options with you…)
March 27th, 2010 at 10:32 am
My soon to be ex-wife and I are in the middle of a thermonuclear war. We have not been able to agree on one item during this process and we do not have any temporary agreements as of yet. At one point she has hit me so hard that she broke my eardrum and I lost the hearing in my ear and I was only provided with a limited order of protection stating that we should both remain in the residence but are not to enter each others bedrooms. When she broke that order and entered my bedroom late one night in an attempt to stage an incident, I taped it. She called 911 and claimed I was beating her. The police came and without even listening to my tape refused to take action because they did not believe her. In the meantime she has covered herself in black and blues and is telling the world that I beat her. I have taken three polygraph examinations proving that I have never since the time we met ever hit my wife. Her attorney has filed a motion to hold me in contempt of court claiming I invited her into my room to set her up and create police intervention.
As much as I did not want to leave the residence, I had to stop sleeping at home because I am too afraid of being with her alone. It is just a matter of time until she has me arrested due to a false allegation. I am now sleeping at a relatives house nearby. I go back to our marital residence everyday for appx 3-4 hours to be with my son while the nanny is there. If the nanny is not there I bring someone with me.
I appreciate Tony’s advice and insight as it is very challenging to stay focused while such allegations are being made. It is such a long process and very hard to know if I am making the right decisions. Any additional comments would be greatly appreciated.
April 20th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
i had to leave as she tried to have me strangled by her son, i barely escaped with my life…
July 14th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
she was cheating and talk s**t to me and i almost hit her.she had my little girl in car why she was cheating.what do you think i should do.