This divorce tip will be straight to the point. Do not move out of the house/apartment unless you are forced to via a court order! Your wife may demand that you move out, and you may feel like the only way to get some peace is to take yourself out the “battle ground”, but this will more than likely be the first (and possibly biggest) mistake that you will make during your divorce.
You may be thinking that the move is only temporary and the divorce courts will decide later on down the road that you are truly entitled to live in your home. Through my own experience and divorce, I can safely guarantee you this… Don’t count on it! By moving out of the home, you are telling the court two things:
1) You don’t want or need the home and that you have the financial means to find other residence while your wife will claim otherwise. Once you officially leave the house, it is almost impossible to make your way back in, even if you are the one who pays the mortgage or rent.
2) If you have kids, you are making the statement that you have no problem abandoning them and letting your spouse have full custody. Even though, we all know that this is not true, the courts will see otherwise. There will be NO statement that you can make in court that will justify why you chose to leave your kids behind.
If there is no possible way that you will be able to live under the same roof as your soon to be ex-wife, then you may want to propose sharing the residence, but at different times. This way you can both claim the home as your legal residence, but don’t have to be in each other’s face all the time. And your kids have the chance to remain in the home that they are used to. A home that they consider to be a “safe place”.
There are a couple of divorce tricks that you need to be on the look out for. You may find that your wife has changed the locks to your home, in order to keep you from getting back in. Remember, this is legally still your home too, so even though you might not want to, you have every right to “break-in”. I say this with quotes, because you can’t get into trouble for breaking into your own home. People forget their keys all the time and don’t get arrested for it.
Another, dirtier trick that is usually cooked up between your wife and her divorce attorney is to make some false accusation against you. Whether she claims that she is afraid for her life, or if she goes to the extreme to falsely accuse you of having physically abused her or your kids, she is doing it for one reason. She is making an attempt to get an emergency court order that will keep you from having any contact with her or your kids, and to keep you from being allowed to come on YOUR property. Unfortunately, this happens more than you think. This may only be temporary until it gets settled in court, but you will be kept from your home for at least 2 weeks. My #1 suggestion when this happens: Don’t retaliate! Just work with your divorce attorney to get things settled as quickly as possible. Retaliation will only work to back your wife’s accusations.
If anyone out there has had a similar situation or some additional advice, please share it with all of us here. More information is always better, and there is a very big chance that someone else here is going through the exact same situation in their divorce.
“”"Another, dirtier trick that is usually cooked up between your wife and her divorce attorney is to make some false accusation against you.”"”
This is definitely true. Be very very careful in choosing your words and where you put them! I left a supposedly questionable status on my myspace recently and was torn out of proportion as a threat to her. As a result I was denied access to my son for a week while I “cooled off”… Also, If you are not living with your wife and are doing exchanges of your children and there is any possibility that your wife might try to accuse you of violence in any form, make sure you are getting a friend or relative to be there for exchanges. If some one is not available then go to a public place like McD’s or a store with cameras and try and arrive there before your scheduled time and introduce yourself to a manager and ask them to keeo an eye on the exchange. I say a manager because htey will b more credible and more likely than other employees to still be there next week. Even get their card or contact info if you can.
Justin, thanks for adding this advice. This is a very big issue and I am in the process of writing another post that goes into this in a little more detail. But like you said false accusations happen all the time and the men in the divorce need to know what to do to protect themselves… A little planning can go along way to preventing this from happening. Never underestimate what your soon to be ex-wife might try to do, especially if they are under the influence of a divorce attorney that has no issues with using dirty tricks to get things done. Remember, no one knows more about dirty divorce tactics than a seasoned divorce attorney.
Stay tuned for more information on this topic.
Chris
Hi, good post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for posting.
Very good advice. Unfortunately, the violence accusation to separate you from your home is almost universally used today (at least in my area), and there is absolutely no defense against it. And as our local family courts are so backed up, it will often take considerably longer than 2 weeks. For example: my ex did this to me 7 years ago to start our divorce, and it took me almost 6 weeks to get a hearing, at which point my lawyer urged me to make a temporary settlement with my ex to avoid the risk of a final ruling by the Judge, which would have made my divorce “war” that much harder.
Why in world would you want to live in the same house with a spouse who will accuse you of threatening her life falsely, abuse or whatever to get you arrested? It seems you are safer as a man by moving out of the home. I just don’t get the advantage of living with an estranged spouse while you are going through a divorce.
Jojo,
There are so many variables you need to consider before you up and leave your home. If there are children involved that is a big factor… A divorce case can go on for months if not years in which case you are granting your estranged spouse custody of the children without even knowing it. Do you think that after 1 1/2 year divorce battle where you have been living away from your children for an extended period of time the judge is going to grant someone anymore than joint custody? And that is the best case scenario, you could be lucky to get all weekends. If you have no children, then you can scratch that reasoning!
Secondly, do you own the home in question? Are you willing to give up your rights to that home? Let’s say that you get an apartment and let your soon to be ex (and the kids?) stay in the home. You can’t stop paying on that home, especially if you are on the mortgage. So now you have to pay for 2 residences. Not only is this going to put a huge strain on your finances (especially now that you have to consider legal fees), but you will be telling everyone, including the judge, that you can afford to do this. And if that is the case why not continue to pay for your ex’s housing after the divorce is finalized, at least until she can make enough money to continue in the lifestyle that she was accustomed to while you were married. In other words it makes a great case for her to be granted alimony, where before it was not likely. If you don’t own the house that you are living in then you can scratch that reasoning as well.
Remember you, as the man, are not required to move out to avoid conflict. She can move out just the same, but that is rarely considered. You should do everything that you can to protect yourself from false accusations. For one, NEVER put your hands on her for any reason, that will be a easy out for her. While in person (obviously you can’t do it over the phone) tape every argument and/or conversation that you have. She will more than likely threaten you with the false accusations before she acts on it. This is hard evidence that she will not have, and it will work in your favor.
Ultimately the decision of whether or not to move out is yours… But make sure you consider all the variables before making a decision. Don’t act out for the wrong reasons, Anger & resentment can be very strong emotions that make people do crazy things sometimes. Just be sure to think things out and make a rational decision.
Best of luck to you!!!
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, I don’t have a law degree, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)
Taping every argument seems like a good idea,but her attorney will without a doubt say that you antagonized her then started the recording.
Sure I agree with Jake… In fact her divorce attorney is going to do a lot more to make you out to be the bad guy, that is what he is being paid to do!
But consider this, if you have solid evidence in the form of multiple tapes showing her going off the deep end on a regular basis, and all they have is their word that you antagonized her, who do you think will come off looking better. Evidence in hand is always going to stand up better in court than just “her word”. Besides if you are this chronic antagonizer then your soon to be ex should be able to prove that fairly easily with evidence of her own (ie Tapes, e-mails, letters, etc). You have to be more prepared, more cunning, and smarter than her, and you will find that their complaints and allegations will quickly start to fall apart… especially if you have a seasoned divorce attorney of your own.
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, “I am not an attorney and therefore cannot give you legal advice concerning your divorce; however, I do have a strong understanding of how the system works so I can discuss the options with you…)
Divorce lawyers are trained to make the adversary (you)
hate them and your wife who hired them. This will cause
you to lose it. If you possibly can, be very professional
and businesslike in every way. This is very hard I know.
But you will be believed much more readily and the opposing
attorney will know he has a cool head to deal with. It will
save much time with your lawyer if you just forget about
complaining or critizing. Your lawyer is on your side.
It will not be fair. Sometimes it will not make sense.
HOWEVER it will make your wife crazy if you are Mr. Cool-
believe me this is so. The opposing lawyer will see some
of himself in you and it will affect his case. Be courteous
and polite AT ALL TIMES- even when lies are told about you.
You will get your chance. try your best not to be emotional
during this most emotional time. A long sigh is good —
looking down at the floor is good — DO NOT SHAKE YOUR HEAD
AND CAST VIOLENT LOOKS AT THE OTHER TEAM. For the lawyers
and the judge this is only business even though it is tearing you up.
Let it be business for you too and you will come out of it better and
be FAR MORE ATTRACTIVE to the next woman you develop a
relationship with down the road.
Thank You Tony! Best comment yet on MensDivorceHQ.org.
Guys re-read Tony’s comment over and over again. This is very important point that you should take to heart. This is not just an good advice about how to handle yourself during your divorce case, It is a Must!! If you keep your head about you the judge will notice it, both divorce attorney’s will notice, and best of all your soon to be ex-wife will notice it. And nothing will frustrate her more during the divorce if no matter what lies or crap they throw at you just brush it off and wait for your turn.
Hey Tony, You are hired!
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, “I am not an attorney and therefore cannot give you legal advice concerning your divorce; however, I do have a strong understanding of how the system works so I can discuss the options with you…)
My soon to be ex-wife and I are in the middle of a thermonuclear war. We have not been able to agree on one item during this process and we do not have any temporary agreements as of yet. At one point she has hit me so hard that she broke my eardrum and I lost the hearing in my ear and I was only provided with a limited order of protection stating that we should both remain in the residence but are not to enter each others bedrooms. When she broke that order and entered my bedroom late one night in an attempt to stage an incident, I taped it. She called 911 and claimed I was beating her. The police came and without even listening to my tape refused to take action because they did not believe her. In the meantime she has covered herself in black and blues and is telling the world that I beat her. I have taken three polygraph examinations proving that I have never since the time we met ever hit my wife. Her attorney has filed a motion to hold me in contempt of court claiming I invited her into my room to set her up and create police intervention.
As much as I did not want to leave the residence, I had to stop sleeping at home because I am too afraid of being with her alone. It is just a matter of time until she has me arrested due to a false allegation. I am now sleeping at a relatives house nearby. I go back to our marital residence everyday for appx 3-4 hours to be with my son while the nanny is there. If the nanny is not there I bring someone with me.
I appreciate Tony’s advice and insight as it is very challenging to stay focused while such allegations are being made. It is such a long process and very hard to know if I am making the right decisions. Any additional comments would be greatly appreciated.
i had to leave as she tried to have me strangled by her son, i barely escaped with my life…
she was cheating and talk s**t to me and i almost hit her.she had my little girl in car why she was cheating.what do you think i should do.
Some really great advice on here. Thanks!
My issue is different, I caught my wife in adultery and was told by my attorney to move out for fear that she would then say I condoned (slept with her after) the incident. Additionally, she charged me with endangerment and child neglect as well as accused me of abuse to her in a statement.
The problem is, she made these accusations the first business day after I served her with divorce papers on the grounds of adultery, so her case is based upon revenge. It goes without saying that none of her allegations are true. It is unfortunate, but am now bound by a protective order which keeps me out of the house (which I still must pay for) and away from my daughters. It sucks and there is absolutely no way men get a fair shake in this deal.
I have kept my cool about everything, and as the earlier post stated, it does make her crazy that I am not reacting. Remember, silence is golden. You will drive both her and her lawyer nuts if you act as if nothing is happening at all. It is tough, but I strongly recommend it.
I have a very big problem with a divorce. My wife tricked me into leaving the house to go help my brother move to his new home out of town. She asked me because she was having a birthday party for one of her teenage grandaughters and her mother ,father, and brothers and who knows who else. But she said I shouldn’t be there because her mother and everyone else was mad at me. I am 100% disabled. I had a stroke in 07/2006. I can still function but not to well. I started to teach since this job wasn’t to physical. But I was laid off 06/10/2009. I still paid the rent, my truck, utilities, and a couple other bills. I had unemployment and Scial Security Disability its not much but my wife makes in excess of $80k per yr + bonuses. Anyway she tricked me out of the house and while I was helping my brother I got a text msg from her stateing that her mother and the rest of the family members helped her put all my belongings outside. And that I was no longer aloud to come into “HER” house and that the locks were changed and that her body builder brother and mother and father were going to be there in case I showed up. I did not have my wallet because she took it and hid it so she could get my social security number along with all the info she needed to file for divorce. I did not have my medications which I need to stay alive and maintain my blood pressure. I had no money no where to go but to stay at my brothers one bedroom apt and sleep on his couch. Anyway she filed the divorce but never gave me a copy of the divorce. So I knew nothing about the court dates and what she was doing. She maintains that her daughter served me and have already been to court and even got a restraint order on me. I am not a violent person. In fact my wife is the violent one. She is a very ,very beutiful woman and has a knack for making faulse accusations and making people believe her. She is taking advantage of the fact that I have a limited income and cannot afford even the gas to go to San Jose to fight back. And to make matters worse she refused to give me or mail me my meds. The very next day after I practically begged her to send them to me I ended up in the emergency on code 3. I almost died that day. Now she wants my truck my only possesion. I can go on and on. While she is living a very lavish life I am barely surviving. Can some one please help me.
Very good advice. My wife and I are in the beginning of a divorce. I would like for it to be uncontested, but there are a couple things in the papers that she had made (online I think).
She has cleaned out the checking account, and I would like to get out asap, but I need to save up some money first.
I think it is very unreasonable the time frame (2 weeks) that she wants me to leave.
The comprimise on her divorce papers are not far away from fair, but my main question is….
If I sign her proposal, when must I leave the house? She’s telling me, since it’s in her name I need to leave as soon as I sign the papers.
Is your name on the deed?
WOW!! Learning a load here. I too just recently was told divorce is imminent and due to my adultery, which I do not deny, I have been relegated to an office in the house for now and truthfully have no one who will take me in as family is gone and friends are all shared with her. She says she wishes me out as soon as possible but will not find anything free nor can afford to take monies from joint account to pay apartment fees…house is in both names….I can legally stay? Till divorce is filed of course.
What if the wife moves out and then 2 years later, while the divorce is still in process moves back in! How do you get her out?
Who pays for my unemployed, cheating wife’s attorney during the divorce??? We live in Texas…
8/3/2011 – I filed for a divorce from my 45 year old wife and I am 49. We were married for 19 of the 26 years we were together. It turns out She is replacing me with a 28 year old model. Even after a year of me trying to work it out and save our marriage, she never looked back at us… gone, gone, gone.
Currently, we have a 7 year old daughter together and, just a few months ago, I closed my business and moved it back into the house. My wife moved out in May to get her space??? She has always brought in the majority of the money ($65- 75k a year with OT), while I can bring in around 30K at most as a mechanic and a high school graduate. She has also built up around $100,000 in her 401K over the years.
I ended up hiring a divorce lawyer for myself and we used him to try to mediate for us. For awhile, we worked on the the bank accounts, assets, debts, etc. We were at the point of deciding on some spousal support for me and what to do with the house. Just a note, she started out by saying that she did not want the house. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to the point of signing some type of agreement, so I am guessing that it doesn’t mean anything now!
As far as the parenting time, I have my daughter here with me at the house about 60-70% of the time. The wife is a nurse who works 3 12-hr days a week (6-am to 6 30 p.m.), with 2 on week day and 1 on the weekend. BUT she will get called in to work 4-7 days a month when she is on-call. So I am constantly working around her work schedule and will usually only get a week’s notice on what days she will be going into work.
I recently filed a petition for $2000 a month in support, but dropped it to $1500 a month for 5 years and a short sale on the house to try to come to a settlement!?!
Her response to this was that I was nuts on asking for $1500 a month and now she wants to keep the house and have me move out. She is working on getting me off the mortgage?!? The house loan is around $250k ($239K on the 1st and 9K on the 2nd), but in today’s market the house would be worth $190k at the very best.
I can’t seem to get any clear answers on what I can do here. I want to keep the house, can’t afford it on my own unless she agrees on the $1500 a month in spousal support until i get my career back on track, which I will. I love the place, use it for my work, and it is our family home. But i rather let it go in a short sale, than have her living here with her 28 year old. I do not think that is good environment for my little girl when its her time to be with her mom. What options do i have and what could she do to get me out of the house???
And my divorce lawyer had quite a response when I told him what she said… His answer was to work on getting $1000 a month for both spousal & child support and let her have the house after I have lived in it for a few months before moving out… That was followed by “You spent your first $3000 and i need another $3000 retainer to do anymore work for you here”. If we are going to court now I guess it will be “good luck”. Should I try to talk with her? She says nothing anyway.
Please help!!!!!!!! None of this seems right…
Franklin AZ
I really believe my wife is bipolar, at least to some degree, but denial is a way of life for her. She has consistently fought the idea and refused to see a professional, meaning she is undiagnosed and untreated. She has no predilection for alcohol or drugs, thus she is largely functional. She goes through intense mood swings several times a year, thus she might fall into the category of rapid cycling clothymia. She meets ALL the clinical criteria, but won’t list it here. She can be sweet one minute, have a glass of red wine, and fly off the handle into a fit of rage within 15 minutes. She has abandoned me and our home at least 20 times, most recently three weeks ago. Doesn’t seem to become overly depressed like a classic bipolar I sufferer, mainly just extremely hateful. I am patient, and I love her, so always try to patch things up. I have suffered periodic extreme verbal abuse since the first week of our marriage 24 years ago. There has been no violence from me in over twenty years. Yes, I lost my temper twice early in our marriage, but there was nothing serious enough to involve the authorities. She routinely throws me under the bus to explain her extreme behavior, thus most of her friends are convinced I’m the sole problem. I’m not sure whether or not she really believes her story line. When she is normal, she’s as sweet as anyone can be, thus it shocks me to the core each and every time she turns mean and storms out. Our kids are grown and moved out. She’s working, I’m not. We have relatively significant assets, since I worked as a petroleum engineer for over 30 years. For the first time, I’m tired of being abused and she will never change. What can I do? Not many websites cover this situation. I’ve considered everything from a restraining order, changing the locks, cutting off her funds, moving or hiding assets, demanding a competency hearing, etc. Any advice will be appreciated. I think she would give up and settle quickly to avoid a psychiatric exam. We discussed an amicable 50/50 split, but this is making me feel like a fool. Do I have any sort of offensive position? I can’t prove any of this and she will have people lined up to swear it’s all my fault. Thanks.
Before I was even aware my wife wanted a divorce, we had gotten into an argument and she took off for a week with the kids. Upon her return, I agreed to stay with a friend for a while because it wasn’t a good situation for us to be living together. The kids are still with her. It’s been a month since i have lived there, and she has since taken my key back and dropped my things off where i am staying. What can I do? Can I try to move back in to help my divorce case when we go to court?
Hi want to divorce my wife. We got married in COP. We have a business registered in her name which we started together, and financed together. If we get a divorce, can she claim the business or do we share it because we are married in COP even though it is in her name.
From a woman’s perspective: My husband worked many hours providing for us while our kids were young. We lived in a very small town. He commuted to the big city and was gone about 12 hours per day as was necessary. We lived frugally. He no doubt tried to do the right thing. However, those thousands of hours I spent with the kids did create a deep bond. Had I been the breadwinner and he stayed at home, he would likely have the deeper bond with the kids. He has his own bond with them for sure. They view mother and father differently. I would love to blame my husband for all the misery he has caused me, even though it was without malice. Unless you are talking about knuckle-headed young women, THE HOUSE IS FOR THE KIDS. Our family spent hundreds of hours at counseling (individual, marital and family). This is just a bitch session. Ball up and own some responsibility. People don’t get married planning on divorce. It happens. Both parties share responsibility in marriage and divorce. CUT THE PRIDE: WHAT’S BEST FOR THE KIDS? TO KEEP THEIR ROUTINE IN THIS TIME OF STRESS OR FOR YOU TO WIN?
If you are on a limited budget, you can still find an effective attorney. While some divorce attorneys can be quite expensive because of their high reputation, you can still find one that you can afford or an attorney who is willing to with you. To find a reliable divorce attorney, it is important to do your research. Speak with others who have used the attorney’s services or learn about what their practices are in the courtroom. If finances are keeping you from finding a dependable divorce attorney, research legal services that are available for low-income families and individuals.
Sure the house is for the kids.
Guess what… She doesnt get as big of a house if you arent in it. There is no reason to keep the house. If she wants to pay for it, she can go ahead.
I just found out the hard way that my wife lied and said I tried to choke her. She then extended the P.O. for 2 years. I have to pay her child support and not cut the utilities off. I am out of the house and struggling to keep a roof over my head. My question is this… If I stop paying the mortgage and rent a home for myself and the kids, can she file an injunction and make me pay the mortgage which is in my name and the deed as well? She just sits there and pays nothing while I have to pay a mortgage and rent. I have not filed for divorce because I am appealing the P.O. I have hired a forensic pathologist as a means to show I did not choke her. I live in VA.
My Wife wants to keep my last name, Because one reason is that she can (We have a 7 year old) and the other is she does not want to sound like a step-mom! I don’t want her to have it. She says she can and so does her attorney! Thanks, I need help quick…
My wife and I are getting a divorce within the next few days. She’s already trying to get me to leave the house . She says only for a week. Tricky right. She’s been trying to get me to argue over the phone. Can they bring up phone calls and texts during a divorce case?
Coming from the woman who the husband kicked out because he thought I was cheating when he saw a dating ad that was up for over 10 yrs! It was actually up before we got married but just forgot about it until they sent me an email saying it would be purged from site on such and such date. So he contacted a lawyer behind my back then told me to leave and then changed the locks on the doors. Then his lawyer told him he had to give me a key to house by legal rights. Then he tells me he didn’t want me back in my house until I saw a counselor and only then he’d decide whether or not he’d let me back in! The next week he wanted to work things out, but now he wants a divorce again and says that I am not allowed in my house. My lawyer told me to go back because if I didn’t then I handed him all the legal rights as if I had walked away! But my question is… I’m disabled and is he gonna have to help me with support because he has always made more money than me? Just remember its not always the wife. This case the husband is wrong!
My truck is in my wife’s name because I don’t have any credit. Can she legally keep my truck? I use my truck for my business.
I have a question… My wife and myself have been separated for two and a half years. Since then she has worked, even when we were together. She has moved on and so have I. Will I have to pay alimony?
My wife and I are splitting up. There has been adultery on both sides. I have found a new girl and want to get the ball rolling. My wife was removed for domestic violence six months ago. I allowed her to return to the home so as to help her find a place to move to. She had been staying with a friend for the first five months. Now she has been here for a few weeks and won’t leave. She said she would leave after a month and now won’t. I have already gotten a lawyer for the divorce process. What can I do to get her to leave peacefully? I don’t know what to do.
My wife wants a divorce and I don’t. I never cheated, but I found out she has secretly been talking to a man she met on business for the past 4 months. She is rushing this as she said she wants it done quickly for some reason. She wants me out of the house, but I didn’t cause or want this. Our lawyers are now involved. I don’t want to get out since I believe, she wants out of the marriage, so she should leave. I also think we should split custody of our young child. Your thoughts?