What about Alimony?

For those husbands who have been doing their homework, or are in the middle of heated divorce negotiations, you have probably become concerned about how alimony seems to play a role in just about every divorce you have heard or read about. But in reality, alimony is almost always “brought up” in these divorce cases, but there is nothing that says that each and every soon-to-be ex-husband should have to expect to pay for his ex-wife’s living expenses. Each individual divorce is different, and with so many factors involved in the alimony decision, you need to take a really good look at the circumstances of your case and determine exactly where you stand.

Depending on where you reside, alimony can be referred to by many names (i.e. spousal support, maintenance payments, etc), but it all involves a court order, or an out-of-court agreement, in which you have to pay X amount of money to help with your ex-wife’s living expenses. Alimony, or spousal support, can present itself in the form of a lump sum payment, or regular monthly payments that are similar in nature to child support. The amount and duration of the spousal support is determined by a number of different factors, some of which I will attempt to explain in a little bit more detail below…

It’s probably best to start with the most obvious scenario where can expect to pay some kind of alimony.  This involves a marriage that took place over a longer time period (15, 20, or even more years) and your wife spent the greater portion of it as a “stay-at-home mom”.  In this case you were probably the only source of income for many years and you really can’t expect that to change the moment that you get a divorce.  She will have an even stronger case for getting alimony if she continues to be the primary caregiver for your kids even after the divorce is finalized.

“On my Soapbox…What I don’t agree with is what tends to happen in these situations.  To award anybody, “life-long” alimony payments is an injustice.  So even after all your kids have grown up and moved out, you will still have to continue paying alimony.  The only way out of it is if she re-marries, or if she takes on a job where she can make enough money to continue her standard of living.  The standard of living that you gave her some 15 years ago.  This has become a big issue lately, and you can find countless organizations that are hard at work trying to reform such practices.  We can only hope that there are enough people out there listening! Steps down from soapbox.”

Alimony may be issued in other circumstances, but generally these situations are time limited and are awarded when the marriage has lasted for a shorter time period (ie 5-10 years).  If you made the majority of the income, but she is capable of finding suitable employment that can cover her own “standard of living”, then the judge may order alimony payments in order to give her time to find such a job.  These time periods vary, but hopefully it should be no longer than a year.  Her “capabilities” include education and experience.  In some situations, the alimony may continue while she acquires the education and/or experience, but if you are diligent you should be able to avoid the “life-long” alimony trap.

Then there is the situation when you wife tries to “win” alimony payments after you have been married for 3 years or less.  This is when you need to make a stand.  Your divorce attorney should be able to pose an argument that you haven’t been married long enough for her to be accustomed to such an “extravagant” standard of living.  That is unless you were already wealthy, in which case I hope that you had the foresight to get a prenuptial agreement.  If not then you can expect to have to pay something, usually some type of  lump sum payment.

Anyway, it’s hard to make general statement about alimony because it is dependent on so many factors.  The length of your marriage, your standard of living, your job/income, her job/income, the aptitude of your divorce attorney, and even the judge, all have some bearing on the alimony issue.  Just remember, alimony payments are tax deductible for you and, Yes, men can be granted alimony too!


What about Alimony? — 38 Comments

  1. I think what you are forgetting are the children. I want to keep my childs life a ‘normal’ as possible. Which means being able to give him financial support. Child support and spousal support are a way for me to provide that. I gave up my job when we had our child. A decision made by both of us. We made a choice for me to stay home….so now my husband can’t keep his dick in his pants and I should have to break the promise ‘we’ made to our son. What I don’t understand is why the wife and child(ren) should have to pay for the husbands mistakes over and over. It’s bad enough I no longer have a husband and that my childs father doesn’t live with him anymore. But now I face having to take my child from his home and school and friends and everything he knows. Do any of you men think of that when your f#*king around on your wife??? Keep in mind your f#*king around on your children too. So if I ask for a higher child support….it’s not for me. If I ask for spousal support…..it’s not for me. Someone has to think of the children. Very few women want to live off their ex’s…….I just want to keep the promises I made to my family. I want to keep my sons home and HIS lifestyle.

  2. Thank you “not all women created =”… finally a woman speaks up and offers a rebuttal. I know that many women have visited this site, if for nothing else but out of curiosity. But I feel that you made yourself stand out immediately with the author name that you have chosen. I for one feel that if a husband runs out and sleeps around on a mom who has given up everything to stay home with the kid(s), then he probably deserves to pay for that. And since adultery is not illegal, then the next option is to hit him in the wallet. And any respectable father, cheating or not, should have no issues helping to support his children. And if he does then that is a different matter altogether.

    But you know as well as I do that there are many women out there who will try to get their hands on anything that they can. It could be of vengeance, greed or just plain malice, even when there is no wrongdoing on his part. And what about the women who use the children as leverage… What do you have to say for them? Do you feel that it is fair when a relationship fails between a husband and a wife (two adults) that the kids are only allowed to see their father every other weekend?

    You have found yourself in only one possible scenario of a divorce. But there are so many others that you have to think about. It’s just as possible for a stay-at-home to have an affair, while their husband is out busting his hump to to provide for his family. Remember, not all men are created equal either!


    (Disclaimer: Remember, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)

  3. My boyfriend has been sepporated for nearly two years now. Neither one (husband or wife) has anttorney. When they frist split they “shared” the house for a few months because of their son. When it became too unconfortable she asked him to leave. ( we now live together in our own home) He moved in with family and still had his son every Tuesday, Thursady and every other weekend. So he has him 1/2 the time. With regards to the son they both pay 1/2 of all expences for him. No support is given on either side. Now here the question, becasue this has been the agreement from day one, is there anyway she can now say she wants child support and change the agreement?? Also, the home was only in her name with him only being on the deed, (they bought the home together) and there is a second “line of credit” on the home as well to which is only in her name. He paid her 1/2 of all bill’s to include her car for a year. She is asking for $54 for the “line of credit” Would he have to pay that if it’s in her name?

  4. To Question from a Girlfriend,

    It all depends on the nature of the agreement. Is it simply something that they have always gone with or is there something that has been laid out on paper and signed by all parties. Signed agreement or not, the “wife” can always seek out child support, but it would be much easier for her if the agreement was nothing but a “handshake”.

    If your boyfriend is perfectly happy with the current situation, then I would recommend that something be written up describing everything about current agreement. And I mean everything! Make sure that no detail is left out, something she could use to void the agreement. I would also recommend that he has some attorney or lawyer look it over to make sure that it would stand up if she ever decided to take it to court.

    There is one important line that he needs to make sure is included in the agreement… “This agreement is intended to be a final disposition of the matters addressed herein and may be used as evidence and incorporated into a final decree of divorce or dissolution.” This way she cannot come back and say that the agreement was only intended to be used when they were separated and not to be included in the actual divorce decree. Make sure it is signed by all parties involved and notarized to make sure she can’t claim that here signature was forged.

    As for the “line of credit”, if the debt was obtained while they were still together, then yes he would be responsible for 50% of that. It doesn’t really matter that it is only in her name. The only way that this could be different is to prove without a doubt that she took out the “line of credit” completely without his knowledge, which is very hard to do, and that the money was used solely for her benefit…. Not for the family and definitely not for the children.

    I hope this helps somewhat.


    (Disclaimer: Remember, I don’t have a law degree, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)

  5. I am another victim of divorce. I work in a factory make 22.00 an hour and ordered to pay 2100.00 a month for alimony. Man, every morning it chokes me that I go to work and now get the 7.06 an hour that is left to me

  6. I hear you Louis… This is exactly why the alimony system that we have in place is just wrong! Granted, the judges in divorces try to make the most educated decision when it comes to alimony, but if someone has to get the short end of the stick it is all but guaranteed to be the man of the divorce. And I agree with Louis that there are situations where you can be a “Victim” of a divorce. It’s supposed to be a chance to move on with your life, get a chance at a new start, but that shouldn’t mean that you have to go back making minimum wage again.

    Good luck to you!


  7. Ok, here we go.

    I am a 30 year old man and married for 6 years. When we got married she was in her first year of medical school and I worked fulltime. While in medical school, we had a set plan of me quitting my job and finishing my college degree while she did her residency once she graduated from maedical school. After moving to a new city for her residency, we had our son about a month after she started. Fo the past three years, I have been the saty at home dad while she worked full time as a resident physician. HEr income has been dramatically small these past three years ($35,000-$44,000). Lately, we have been falling apart, and she has brought up dvorce several times. She will be a full blown doctor in September and has found a job in our hometown ($195,000 per year). Obviously, for our son’s sake, we are putting a strong efort down to work out our petty problems. But, if she decides to follow suit with a divorce, where do I stand financially. I have no degree and have been the primary caregiver for our son his entire three years of life. I was just curious about how much of a shift alimony is when the gender roles are switched.

  8. I would like another type of divorce to be heard.
    My ex and I separated in July of 2006. We have spent the first two years learning how to be co-parents, but the majority of the first year was my ex insisting that I was going to go psycho bitch on him because of websites like these and family and friends that just couldn’t believe that I wasn’t out for his blood. My primary focus has been the children.
    Let me tell you this – as hard as it has been trying to convince my ex that my only concern is for the children, I don’t regret it. We have an exceptional relationship with our children AND each other, but it is only because we got to a point that we trusted each other that the children will come first. Even if I hated my ex, and I have on multiple occasions, I would NOT screw my child out of their relationship with their father… or vice versa.

    Things were initially very difficult. My ex was very angry, occasionally spiteful and consistently worried that he was going to lose contact with the girls. We had many very ugly fights. The thing that we both would remember, after we calmed down, was that just because WE weren’t good as husband/wife, the girls did NOT deserve to have anything but the best parents we could be. It always comes back to that.
    I think many men are worried that they will be getting screwed in the divorce and custody and, I honestly believe, that in MANY cases they do. I think women hold most of the cards in a divorce with kids which makes men want to fight harder. I made sure that I thought about what we all needed to survive and thrive without the court or lawyers getting involved. I took $800 less a month so that my ex wouldn’t be broke (yes, it made it harded on me, but I wasn’t looking to make a profit on my kids). I NEVER considered alimony!!
    My ex gets the kids every weekend. If I want them on the weekend, it isn’t an issue and if he can take them during the week it is fine with me. It is good for them and him. Of course I miss them, but I know that he misses them during the week, so I suck it up.
    We often spend holidays together (since we are all in NC without other family around it usually works out) or we talk about the holidays and come to an agreement. We all (I am remarried and expecting) went to our oldest’s first grade Celebration of the Family. People often look at us like we are crazy or are waiting for the ugly fireworks to begin, but they do get use to us.
    We don’t have a formal custody or child support agreement. My ex (FINALLY) knows that I am not out for his blood and I trust that he won’t throw me under the bus.
    As far as my huband, I would not have dated someone that couldn’t tolerate my ex as an intergral part of my life. My ex really likes my husband and we all get along.
    IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY, but it is ALWAYS worth it for the girls!!
    Best of all the girls are happy, which makes us all happy.

    The Ironic thing is that I came to this site because my husbands ex wife IS the vengeful, spiteful ex that “DESERVES” his money and will make him “pay”. It infuriates me that I have done my level best to be fair to my ex and now I am getting screwed with my husband because of the type of woman that I loathe.
    Anyway, I just wanted to give a hopeful version of this often shitty divorce story. Good luck!

  9. I just left court today and boy did I get slammed during a pre-trial divorce hearing. I was married for 22 years until the soon to be ex wife bailed out last July and filed for divorce. All of this time until today my divorce lawyer did not know (or we were not told) what she wanted until right before the hearing. Granted I make double of what she makes, but I remained in the family home while she moved to an apartment. Well apparently my lawyer was not good because even though she works I was hammered. The Judge’s recommendation was that I pay alimony of $850 month for 5 years, she get 55% of the equity from the home, only pay 30% of marital debt, 50% of both my retirement and 401K along with paying $5000.00 in attorney’s fees. I think it is time for trial, how much more can I lose?

  10. I’m a husband of 3 years now and I’m very embarassed to say I’m in a physically abusive relationship, but…. Not on my part. I’ve had 3 years of hiding it and being embarassed to say my wife is physically abusive towards me because lets be honest, in our society who would REALLY believe a husband that comes out and says something like that.

    Now onto my question, what options do I have for getting a divorce? She’s promised me a million times it won’t happen again but nothing ever changes. I was raised better than to put my hands on a woman but every time it happens I feel my self control slipping and I’m really afraid I’ll strike back. The latest incident really sent me over the edge as I broke my heel a couple months ago and had surgery so I’m on crutches and whatnot and she grabbed my brace with my foot still in it and wrenched my ankle, throws my crutches at me while I’m laying on the bed, and pushes me over when I’m standing.

    I know I don’t have to put up with this but what can I do? She works at a bank and is personal friends with ALOT of cops so I’m afraid to go there as she is definitely capable of lying to them, and a judge, about what really goes on.

    I’m at my wits end but I really feel trapped. We have so much intertwined debt I don’t want some gender rascist judge ordering me to pay it all. Please help.

  11. Sean,

    There is no reason to be embarrassed just because you have the self-restraint to not strike back. You need to hold onto that as long as you can! One incident when you do slip, and then all the sudden you are an abusive husband, and that will make things a lot worse.

    I was in a very similar situation, which is the main reason why I started this website. You seriously need to assess your situation and make a choice to put a stop to the way your marriage is heading. But before you do that, there are some steps that need to be taken.

    If you get a chance email me at chris@mensdivorcehq.org and I can go in more depth about what you can do. In fact, that goes for anyone else who has questions or needs to vent about their divorce, and don’t feel comfortable posting it in a comment.


    (Disclaimer: Remember, I don’t have a law degree, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)

  12. Pretty cool post. I just came by your site and wanted to say
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  13. I will make my statement short. Every divorces stems from its own situation. I think they should be handled that way in all states–unlike California. Because California is no fault state, they do not consider the cause of the need for a divorce.
    We were married in 2000. We are separated now since 2007, but in 2005, when my ex started moving her things out, told me she was not feeling the marriage since 2002. WOW! Thanks for telling me now! We went to court and she was awarded spousal support. I have been paying her since 2009 and still am. She has lied, cheated and even apologized for it, but moved out, abanded the marriage pretty much, but she was awarded spousal support. Neither one of us has a degree, license, certificate of education, but she get shte reward. I even have pictures. I would have presented this to the courts, but they considered it irrelevant. California Family Law System needs to change. This allows women to take advantage of the man and the system and the bad part about it is, the system is letting it happen. What the F^%$#K!!!

  14. My wife moved out 11 months ago. I got transferred to another state during that time and asked her to go with me and the kids, but she ended up filing for divorce and sole custody. We mediated joint custody with her as the custodial parent. The kids are OK, save for when she screams and throws around all sorts of false accusations to defame me, even with court injunctions that say to keep her bitterness to herself. At some point she accused me of giving her herpes’. I freaked out and got checked 3 times. I’m clean so she must not be the saint she claims to be….. The court awarded her the max child support, I’m fine with that for the kids. She uses almost all of that for a house far larger or better than needed. But alimony? She works less than she ever did so she can substantiate need, but i have no ability to pay. Additionally, after she moved out, i began seeing another woman, and we have become very close over the last months. If she moves in with me, can my ex-wife’s @#*#! attorney claim that she covers half of my rent and utilities to thereby claim i can pay more alimony? I have been trying to defend myself because she has driven me to the brink of bankruptcy, and even had to spend ten days in jail for not paying the alimony! please help!

  15. Chris,

    I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you are in the same boat as me. i have a new love and a baby that I am trying to do the right thing as a man and take care of my responsibility, but paying this knucklehead is killing me and putting much stress on my new relationship. Right now, I’m happy that the new woman is being patient with it all, but I can see she’s breaking down fast. I dont think it would get to the President, but I wrote him about how I felt about the Family Law system–especially in California. Everyones marital situation is different and should be handled different. Yes there should be guidelines to keep proceeding standard, but with consideration of all situations that are involved in the cause of divorce. Not because the whole state is a no fault or community property state. We need to petition for a change in family law policies. What do you all think?

  16. There should be uniform family law in the US. Alimony is bullshit, and that is one reason the divorce rate is high. Let me marry a rich man/woman, divorce him/her and get rich. Only child support should matter. Everyone should stand on their own two feet.

  17. Johnny,
    I don’t agree with your statement about US Alimony being bullshit and “that’s why the divorce rate is high”. My husband married me in college,I supported him through college, dental school (4 yrs) and medical school/oral surgery for 6 more years. HE wanted to get married early so I could support his lifestyle. I had 2 children with him,..and during his oral surgery schooling, he cheated on me and I found out about a lot of lies. I gave up furthering my education, turned down a 6 figure job — did all those things so as to support my family because I had to ALSO be the caregiver for my kids while he was gone both at school and playing around. It’s been 12 years since we got married and he just graduated. I have been contemplating divorce, but I haven’t come to peace with my children having to deal with our family breaking apart. I didn’t divorce him during school because I knew he couldn’t see his kids and that he had no time or money to visit them. I am fully capable of supporting myself—obviously, considering I worked my ass off all those years to provide him the house HE wanted, give him the new car he drove everyday, fed him every meal, and raised his kids with only my paycheck. He never borrowed student loans to live off of–only loans to pay for his school.
    Although I know you’re speaking for women/men who use their exes for bullshit reasons, I have the right to be given back what i whole heartedly gave and meant.
    You’re right about one thing—everyone should stand on their own two feet. But users and those that advance in their career by using their spouse who gave to their whole family should have to face the divine truth that they are still responsible for the lives they effected in the long run.
    If child support only mattered, then that means that the (much less) salary I earn and the years I spent to support our family meant NOTHING. And that child support is the only thing he should be responsible for. Because I spent my time, life, and sacrificed many things for his success, child support is not the only issue. You owe back time taken from one’s career, advances that were turned down because of his school and children needing a mom, and so forth.
    And for the record, I didn’t marry a rich man. He was dirt poor–just a student. Not until recently did he graduate. He married a rich woman who gave everything, gave him children, and never questioned those steps.
    Don’t want him to pay for it—not going to squeeze his wallet. But you can be damn sure something fair will come out of this.
    To be honest,..he’s scared as crap that I will walk away just because of the kids. Money wise–I’m sure it’s been on his mind. But in all honesty, I wouldn’t break his wallet and effect the awards reaped for him. A lot of time has gone by, and the happiness of my kids and me being there 200 percent for them is all I care about. And if that shifts the thickness of his wallet, so be it. That’s what happens when you spend your life with someone. Life SPENT matters.

  18. I’m in Pennsylvania. My wife and I have been separated for over two years and I have been paying spousal support of $800 a month for almost two years. We were only married for two years. Following the birth of our child she suffered a stroke for which she went to rehabilitative therapy. While one of her arms is a bit limp, she can still walk and talk and all of the other stuff she did before the stroke. She can drive a car and is continuing to pursue her PhD in psychology (her claimed specialty is family therapy, go figure). She is still claiming that she cannot work in order to continue to get spousal support. Our divorce is not yet finalized, but I am wondering what the odds are that a court would convert the spousal support into some sort of continued alimony. Clearly if she can study for a PhD, she can return to work as a therapist (good help her patients). Would the court award her alimony in order to give her some time to find a job? I could see paying her another few months after the divorce, but to have this drag out until she “feels like” finding another job is going to drive me nuts. She is also currently claiming social security disability, albeit fraudulently.

  19. Amen to that. I have an ex that all she has to do is breathe to get my 731 a month. She is on disability and wants lifetime support. Meanwhile I am trying to survive on 1260 a month. I don’t dare work any overtime as Domestic relations will only adjust my monthly amount to be even higher.

  20. How do you handle severing the final ties of paying maintenance? When the ex-wife clearly can’t afford not to have the children’s money coming into her household, but the children are nearly 18 years old, and for the past 10 years you’ve paid all the school fees, the debt of marriage. The wife had all the assets and was has been living debt free for 10 years. Alimony for the first 3 years both children and wife, in excess of 3000 euros per month, now down to 1000 per month based on having the children 10 days out of the month. Paid for all holidays, travel to see family, majority of clothes etc. Where do you draw the line and be enough is enough? Do you owe your ex-wife a living for the rest of her life?

  21. After our 1st 3 years of marriage I was thinking about leaving, because she turned out to be a horrible person. I wish I would have.

    Our first daughter came along and I felt obligated to stay even though she made me feel so miserable, but I stayed. I found myself working as much as I could. I made enough to keep up with her spending and it limited the time I had to spend with her. A couple of years later our 2nd daughter was born.

    Shortly after that I met an amazing woman who truly is my other half. I told my wife of 9 years that I wanted a divorce. She went right to where she knew she could hurt me, our daughters. I left the other woman and attempted to work things out. After a year of several failed attempts, she never changed and I found myself asking for a divorce again. Again our girls were used to prevent me from leaving. Finally I was given advice and made the choice to leave. I wanted to be fair and gave in so much.

    I am currently separated and waiting for the final divorce. For the past 19 months I have paid (court ordered) 2000.00 a month and I have joint custody. I am much happier now and have slowed down in working so much, I spend more time with my daughters and a wonderful woman. The problem that I have is she is asking for 3200.00 a month for child support and alimony.

    With not working as much now I make half of what I was making before and have just enough to cover my bills at the end of the month. If the courts grant her what she is asking I will now be forced to go back to working more just to pay her and be able to afford my bills. Also she works and makes about (40,000 a year) I am hoping that the courts see the change in my life over past 19 months and grant a fair amount based on that and not my past earnings.

    The only advice that I can say is don’t stay in a horrible marriage for the sake of children. No one wants to hear how she was a horrible wife for the years that you were together. She only has to say that you had an affair and that makes you the monster.

  22. I would like more info on what I can do as a source of divorce information and as an advocate for men/women in these situations. I would like to start something here in Kentucky…the family court system is a mess. The things I am seeing are sickening to me as a mother, divorcee, and engaged to someone going through a brutal property settlement and maintenance request.

  23. Since alimony laws suck for men, why are men so against women in the workforce. I’m particularly referencing all the comments indicating women should stay in the kitchen. If women had their own jobs, men wouldn’t have to worry about alimony. Does anyone know why all the ‘kitchen’ comments have become so popular?

  24. I am married to a man who has to pay his ex-wife alimony for life. I am a teacher, my husband pays her double what I make to sit home and do nothing. It disgusts me. The judge found there to be no fault yet the alimony awarded was definitely punitive to him. How is it that the law allows you to not be financially responsible to a child after 18 but demands you care for an able-bodied adult for the rest of her life? There is something very wrong with that. I am interested in getting alimony reform passed in Virginia like it was in Mass. This fall.

  25. I have a question. I have been doing some research on divorce in PA and many people have offered their knowledge of our state laws. My boyfriend filed for divorce from his wife 2 years ago come February 2012. He has been residing in the house because his wife will not agree to a custody order and he refuses to leave his son. We have offered her the house- all she has to do is refi it- which the balance of the loan is only $66k. The house is worth 200K. He and her also make pretty much the same amount of money. He has always paid the bills, ie, mortgage, phone, cable, electric, repairs, maint etc etc. She has never had to pay anything. He is also offering for her to keep everything in the house except his personal belongings. He will pay his son’s medical insurance, and has asked for 50/50 custody. She has refused every offer we have given her and says she will only proceed if he pays the house off and signs it over to her for a $1, pays her spousal support, child support, and she will only grant him every other weekend for custody. The kicker is that his grandfather just died and she also stands to inherit roughly 40k from the estate. She still says she will not proceed unless all her demands are met.

    My main question is… Is it true as people have told me that when the 2 year mark hits the judge will automatically grant the divorce and all the other stuff will get sorted out later? This is what I am being told by multiple people. The research I found was that it was only true if you lived apart for the two years, which they have not because he refuses to not have anything less than 50/50 custody and if he would move out it could be considered abandonment and hurt his chances for custody at a later date. WE are not willing to let that happen. We want to do what is right for his son and for him to have 50/50 custody. I know you probably think we are crazy but his son is the most important part of this and we refuse to have less than 50/50 custody so he is still living in the house- he lives downstairs and she lives upstairs. They don’t talk, they leave notes for each other to communicate, and they lead completely different lives.

    We were also told that if it goes to court there is a possibility that we could get full custody because of her work schedule. We have 8-5 M-F jobs but she has a sporadic work schedule including partial weekends. So we were told by his attorney that we possibly could be granted full custody, but we want to make sure he sees his mom and we don’t want her to have less custody. We are not in any of this for the money but her crude statement was i quote ” I will take you for everything you have, your son, your money, and make your life miserable, and you will live to regret even being alive.” Nice huh? Thanks for anything you can provide me with.

  26. This women needs to see a psychologist, sounds like she’s using her son & assets to get even with her husband. She maybe trying to alienate her son from his father. or your boyfriend may be feeding you BS. After 2 yrs it seems like he could get a divorce. He’s living with her ??? Some men like their cake & eat it too. If you’re just going by what he’s telling you I’d check it out & make sure it’s true. Why are you waiting around for him ? Sounds like a useless situation, too much baggage move on & find someone whose ready for a relationship without all the drama

  27. My son-in-law has emergency custody of his son, because my wonderful daughter had an affair while he was working nights. She went to jail for domestic violence for hitting him while he was trying to back his car out of the driveway after he walked in the house and caught her boyfriend in there with her. She took off and moved in with the new boyfriend and now she says that my son-in-law has to give her money to live on and another car to drive. She also expects him to pay her alimony, but she has blown most of the $2,500 he has given her in the last 2 months on the drugs that she and her boyfriend are taking! Does he have to give her all that she has requested? Just doesn’t seem fair!

  28. I married in August of 2006 (having 2 young children 6 & 8 from a previous marrige) and separated in February 2010. My husband physically abused me most of our marriage. I never told any of my close friends or family members. When we married we both worked and in December 2008 he lost his job. He looked for work but was unsuccessful and used his criminal background as an excuse. I encouraged him to keep looking as it was hard on me supporting my family alone.

    Throughout our time together we both lost a parent, my mother in 07 and his father in 09. When my mother passed, it was sudden and unexpected. He gave little to no support to my family and I. He drank all the time, which was not unusual for him, and stayed away from the home most nights while saying he was at his mothers. Later I found out he was having an affair, which I had suspected but it was easier to be in denial because I was grieving my loss.

    When we lost his father I put on my wife face and cared for him and his family. I thought things would get better between us but it never did. In February 2010, I told him I wanted a divorce. He said he wouldn’t give it to me, and if I tried, he would fight me on it taking everything I had because he wanted us to work it out. It’s been 2 years (or just about) with no communication for the last 20 months or so, and I received a text message from him yesterday saying, “It’s been 2yrs and I have filed for divorce and I asked for alimony. Expect the papers in the mail.”

    I am now in a healthy relationship and very much in love. I never filed the paperwork myself because I was afraid. I’m 34 and regret not having enough sense to have looked into this before now. I have read many of the blogs here and see California has a no fault law or clause… I feel stuck. We have no property, children, or anything. Will I have to pay him and if so will it be to the time the paperwork was filed or when he left? I have pension retirements w/401k and 457. Someone please share with me…All in All I’m still Happier Than I’ve Ever Been!

  29. Hi Kelly,

    There is never a guarantee in divorce, but it would be unlikely that your fiance would have to pay alimony after everything is said & done. The sole purpose of alimony (not child support!) is to keep the ex-spouse in a lifestyle, or standard of living, that they have been accustomed to. Obviously, it is very difficult to become “accustomed” to anything after only 3 months.

    This is not to say that his soon-to-be ex won’t try or have her divorce attorney argue for it. It is almost standard these days for a women’s divorce attorney to ask for alimony or spousal support… What’s the worse that can happen? The judge could say “No”? As long as your fiance is able to find a competent divorce lawyer of his own, he really shouldn’t have to worry about it. On the other hand, the judge could shock everyone by going against all conventional wisdom. The world of family court is incredibly unpredictable, so it will be smart for your fiance to always “Hope for the Best, but Expect the Worst”.

    Also, Don’t forget that marital assets are almost always divided 50/50 in a divorce. So it would be reasonable for your fiance to have to split the assets (income, property, etc) that he accrued during those 3 months of marriage, which means he might not be able to get away without giving his soon-to-be ex-wife something.

    Good Luck!

    - Chris (Admin)

    (Please remember that… I do NOT have a law degree! I am not a divorce attorney! And any information provided here should not be construed as Legal Advice! However, I am very familiar with the whole divorce process. After many years of research and my own experience, I have enough knowledge that may prove useful to any man or woman who is going through a divorce.)

  30. I’m in Illinois and found out my wife has been cheating. We have three kids and she’s been out of work since we were married 14 years ago. In cases where infidelity on her part is the reason for divorce, will she still likely be entitled to alimony payments?

  31. I am in the process of ending my second marriage. I have two children from my first marriage (age 18 and 15). Both live with me full time (my oldest is a Freshman in college). She has two kids from her fist marriage. The marriage lasted about 4 years. She worked part time before we married and I make about twice as much as she does. Since she decided to leave with her two kids, I have been taking care of the marital estate. We have finaly sold our home, but she believes that she is entitled to 80% of the equity. She also believes that I should pay her alimony. I have crunched the numbers many times. Based on my post tax income and my financial obligations (food shelter, tuition, cloths for my kids..) I do not have a dime to spare. Is it possible that I will have to pay her alimoony? She works part time by choice. Her kids are over the age of 13. If I have to pay – I can not afford to pay for my son’s education.Any thoughts?

  32. I really don’t understand the alimony laws. I am a woman. I am divorced and have been since 2008. I said no to the alimony and yes to child support & I receive 300.00 a month. I have a good friend, male, who will be going through a divorce. His Children are grown 1 is in college and 1 will also be in September. He is paying the tuition. There has never been a reason for his wife not to work except for laziness. She now works part time. During the marriage she has belittled him, when ever she felt like it, charges the credit cards to the limit and overdraws the checking account at every possible chance. Yes, she does this on purpose!

    With his youngest girl leaving for school, he also wants to leave the marriage. They have not had ANY marital relations in over 10 years. He didn’t want his girls to grow up without him and she would have done just that given the chance. He wants a life. They tell him not only will she get 1/2 of his 401k, he will have to most likely pay 1/3 of his monthly net BECAUSE SHE IS A LAZY BITCH! There is nothing stopping her from getting a job.

    I am a single mom and at times have worked two jobs if needed. My ex helped me get pregnant, so yes he should help with the cost of raising the kids. However, he isn’t and shouldn’t be responsible for me, I am a big girl and can and do take care of myself. As should his soon to be ex-wife.

  33. I’m so glad to see a site like this. And I am a woman.

    I am in a relationship with a great guy that has gone through nothing short of hell in his divorce. His ex kicked him out of their house while he was on a business trip, hacked into his email and the website he owns and turned it off, then took all the money out of their joint accounts, had a check mailed to her from his Google account (which she can deposit into their joint account and then take it out), reported him to DHS as abusing their middle child, went on state assistance claiming she had no money because he had left her with 3 kids and only $20, all before he was home from business for 5 days.

    He got the first DHS claim dropped as unfounded, but when she couldn’t get him on that it got even nastier. She claimed he sexually abused their oldest daughter. Because she had the kids with her all the time and limited when he could see them, she began feeding lies to the children. Next thing he knows, he’s getting another email from DHS saying that there is a no contact order on him (actually not true, only a no contact agreement between DHS and the mom) then he has to be interrogated by police. When nothing is going on, she put a danger order in with the court even though the kids were in no danger because he hadn’t seen them in over a month. Because of all of this, he was forced to pay $5k to get a criminal defense lawyer. He had to then do a psycho-sexual evaluation (being subjected to some disturbing tests). Once he came back as perfectly normal and healthy, DHS closed the case and the DA decided that there wasn’t anything to prosecute so he was finally able to see the kids again. He has to pay his ex $500 in Alimony and $1580 in Child Support. He has to pay all their joint debts, which includes a bankruptcy that she put them in because she wanted to have a big house, and a Mercedes SUV she bought without him knowing. This only leaves him with $800 a month to live on. Luckily I make good money and we live off that together, but it’s amazing the power that women have and how rigged the system is against men.

    His ex complains all the time about how little money she gets from him, while she works part time teaching Zumba. My bf and I pay for the kids to have clothes and shoes, but she complains about that all the time too so, my bf doesn’t want to buy them things anymore. He also has over $7k in attorney’s fees to pay back. It’s a system that is definitely in need of an overhaul. Not just divorce laws, but the other systems in place like DHS/CPS who are all too willing to crucify the innocent. Facts are not in their line of business. I mean, if someone is married for 12 years and never has an issue until there is a divorce perhaps there needs to be a little more logic in noticing that the timing is awfully convenient and that perhaps there is more lying than facts being presented to them.

    Men, I say to you, if you think that this is going to be ugly… Try your hardest to get a GOOD lawyer. I know that it’s a lot of money to come up with, but if you get a good lawyer and they really know what they are doing and have the experience, you won’t be screwed over as badly as my bf was. He had it so bad with having to pay for the criminal defense lawyer that he couldn’t afford a good family law attorney and trust me when I say that YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. A new lawyer or inexperienced lawyer is not what you need if your case is difficult or complicated. In the long run, the experience is worth every penny.

    Thanks for having a site to help those guys that happened to marry some really sorry excuses of what a woman is. Real women, no matter the hurt, never cause so much pain and suffering to not only their ex’s, but realize that everything she does has an effect on her precious children who will learn that it’s okay to lie, steal, cheat, and manipulate to try to get what you want.

  34. Illinois Divorce

    My ex lives with his fiance’ in her mortgage free home and she provides him with an SUV that she has no payments on. They both work. I was a stay-at-home-mom and was awarded alimony. After not even one year, this ex is petitioning the court to lower his payments to me. I trust he will have to prove expenses, as i pay more in rent, utilities, food, and gas than he does. I am on my own and at 60 years old haven’t found work.

  35. Hi,
    I have been dating a woman with three grown sons for the past two years. She gets 2500 dollars month for life until she marries. I don’t have any children and no ex wives. We have had this conversation several times about her alimony. Will she give it up for marriage? She works as a flight attendant part time, and feels the man should pay for things in a relationship. In her view, she raised the kids, while his career took off. So I get that point. But I feel that alimony is something that she will never quit taking for any man. Her ex cheated on her twice, so she has trust issues also. Any comments would be appreciated

  36. I have a very unique problem. I was married for over 24 years to a woman that was 24 years older than me. We were self-employeed and enjoyed a good life style when the economy was good. I worked very long hours and traveled quite a bit. As the marriage started to fall apart I looked for ways out. The divorce cost me over 40,000 dollars and in the divorce settlement I had to give in because my lawyer was not good and kept charging for ridiculous things like reading an e-mail. I ran out of money to defend myself and had to take a licking. When the settlement was issued, she was getting $2000 per month, health benefits that I have to pay for and I had to get a $100,000 life insurance policy so she got more if I died before her. Now with the economy so bad, I can barely keep my house, my credit cards are maxed and I am in deep trouble because I haven’t been able to pay any of the alimony or health insurance. I am 62 and had to take early retirement (screwing me out of $500 per month ) to keep paying her something. This is just wrong. Isn’t there any help? She is on Medicare now. Why do I have to keep paying the supplemental? She has received over 300,000 dollars from me in just 10 years. I have bled enough!!!!

  37. I was married for 22 years with my husband for 24. Frankly, I think maybe men should stop thinking about themselves and their urges and start working out the problems in their marriage so they would not have to pay anything. A woman puts everything aside for her husband and her children. She’s not sitting on the couch eating bon-bons. MOTHERHOOD is much harder than working a job.. PERIOD. I have done both! A wife often puts aside her life, and most of the time, her needs trying to do for everyone else.. and what does she get in return when the children are raised.. She gets a kick in the teeth from some MIDLIFE CRISIS MAN who dumps her for someone younger, so he can relive his lost youth. So there she is in old age.. with NO WORK EXPERIENCE. Why shouldn’t she get half and alimony to boot…SHE EARNED IT. What message men are sending women is this.. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN, and if you do, DO NOT RAISE THEM. Think only about YOU, get a career, and prepare for the day that your husband decides that your not worth anything.

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