What about Alimony?
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As many of you probably already know (and already fear), alimony is often a part of any divorce. Actually let me re-phrase that: Alimony is almost always brought up in any divorce case. But that doesn’t mean that you have to expect to pay alimony. Each case is different, and with so many factors involved in determining whether or not alimony should be granted, you should take a good hard look at your situation and determine where you stand.Alimony, which is actually know by many names such as spousal support or maintenance payments, is the situation where the court orders you to pay so much many to your ex-wife for her living expenses. This can come in the form of a lump sum payment or monthly payments, similar to child support. The amount and length is determined by a variety of different factors, all of which I will try to explain here.
We will start with the obvious. If you and your wife were married for a “lengthy” period of time (ie 15, 20 years), and she was a stay-at-home mom for a majority of your marriage, then you should expect to have to pay alimony. You were the only source of income and you can’t expect that to change the minute that you get a divorce, especially if she continues to be the primary caregiver for your kids.
On my Soapbox….What I don’t agree with is what tends to happen in these situations. To award anybody, “life-long” alimony payments is an injustice. So even after all your kids have grown up and moved out, you will still have to continue paying alimony. The only way out of it is if she re-marries, or if she takes on a job where she can make enough money to continue her standard of living. The standard of living that you gave her some 15 years ago. This has become a big issue lately, and you can find countless organizations that are hard at work trying to reform such practices. We can only hope that there are enough people out there listening!… Steps down from soapbox.
Alimony may be issued in other circumstances, but generally these situations are time limited and are awarded when the marriage has lasted for a shorter time period (ie 5-10 years). If you made the majority of the income, but she is capable of finding suitable employment that can cover her own “standard of living”, then the judge may order alimony payments in order to give her time to find such a job. These time periods vary, but hopefully it should be no longer than a year. Her “capabilities” include education and experience. In some situations, the alimony may continue while she acquires the education and/or experience, but if you are diligent you should be able to avoid the “life-long” alimony trap.
Then there is the situation when you wife tries to “win” alimony payments after you have been married for 3 years or less. This is when you need to make a stand. Your divorce attorney should be able to pose an argument that you haven’t been married long enough for her to be accustomed to such an “extravagant” standard of living. That is unless you were already wealthy, in which case I hope that you had the foresight to get a prenuptial agreement. If not then you can expect to have to pay something, usually some type of lump sum payment.
Anyway, it’s hard to make general statement about alimony because it is dependent on so many factors. The length of your marriage, your standard of living, your job/income, her job/income, the aptitude of your divorce attorney, and even the judge, all have some bearing on the alimony issue. Just remember, alimony payments are tax deductible for you and, Yes, men can be granted alimony too!
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February 4th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
I think what you are forgetting are the children. I want to keep my childs life a ‘normal’ as possible. Which means being able to give him financial support. Child support and spousal support are a way for me to provide that. I gave up my job when we had our child. A decision made by both of us. We made a choice for me to stay home….so now my husband can’t keep his dick in his pants and I should have to break the promise ‘we’ made to our son. What I don’t understand is why the wife and child(ren) should have to pay for the husbands mistakes over and over. It’s bad enough I no longer have a husband and that my childs father doesn’t live with him anymore. But now I face having to take my child from his home and school and friends and everything he knows. Do any of you men think of that when your f#*king around on your wife??? Keep in mind your f#*king around on your children too. So if I ask for a higher child support….it’s not for me. If I ask for spousal support…..it’s not for me. Someone has to think of the children. Very few women want to live off their ex’s…….I just want to keep the promises I made to my family. I want to keep my sons home and HIS lifestyle.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Thank you “not all women created =”… finally a woman speaks up and offers a rebuttal. I know that many women have visited this site, if for nothing else but out of curiosity. But I feel that you made yourself stand out immediately with the author name that you have chosen. I for one feel that if a husband runs out and sleeps around on a mom who has given up everything to stay home with the kid(s), then he probably deserves to pay for that. And since adultery is not illegal, then the next option is to hit him in the wallet. And any respectable father, cheating or not, should have no issues helping to support his children. And if he does then that is a different matter altogether.
But you know as well as I do that there are many women out there who will try to get their hands on anything that they can. It could be of vengeance, greed or just plain malice, even when there is no wrongdoing on his part. And what about the women who use the children as leverage… What do you have to say for them? Do you feel that it is fair when a relationship fails between a husband and a wife (two adults) that the kids are only allowed to see their father every other weekend?
You have found yourself in only one possible scenario of a divorce. But there are so many others that you have to think about. It’s just as possible for a stay-at-home to have an affair, while their husband is out busting his hump to to provide for his family. Remember, not all men are created equal either!
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)
April 28th, 2009 at 11:25 am
My boyfriend has been sepporated for nearly two years now. Neither one (husband or wife) has anttorney. When they frist split they “shared” the house for a few months because of their son. When it became too unconfortable she asked him to leave. ( we now live together in our own home) He moved in with family and still had his son every Tuesday, Thursady and every other weekend. So he has him 1/2 the time. With regards to the son they both pay 1/2 of all expences for him. No support is given on either side. Now here the question, becasue this has been the agreement from day one, is there anyway she can now say she wants child support and change the agreement?? Also, the home was only in her name with him only being on the deed, (they bought the home together) and there is a second “line of credit” on the home as well to which is only in her name. He paid her 1/2 of all bill’s to include her car for a year. She is asking for $54 for the “line of credit” Would he have to pay that if it’s in her name?
May 1st, 2009 at 2:18 pm
To Question from a Girlfriend,
It all depends on the nature of the agreement. Is it simply something that they have always gone with or is there something that has been laid out on paper and signed by all parties. Signed agreement or not, the “wife” can always seek out child support, but it would be much easier for her if the agreement was nothing but a “handshake”.
If your boyfriend is perfectly happy with the current situation, then I would recommend that something be written up describing everything about current agreement. And I mean everything! Make sure that no detail is left out, something she could use to void the agreement. I would also recommend that he has some attorney or lawyer look it over to make sure that it would stand up if she ever decided to take it to court.
There is one important line that he needs to make sure is included in the agreement… “This agreement is intended to be a final disposition of the matters addressed herein and may be used as evidence and incorporated into a final decree of divorce or dissolution.” This way she cannot come back and say that the agreement was only intended to be used when they were separated and not to be included in the actual divorce decree. Make sure it is signed by all parties involved and notarized to make sure she can’t claim that here signature was forged.
As for the “line of credit”, if the debt was obtained while they were still together, then yes he would be responsible for 50% of that. It doesn’t really matter that it is only in her name. The only way that this could be different is to prove without a doubt that she took out the “line of credit” completely without his knowledge, which is very hard to do, and that the money was used solely for her benefit…. Not for the family and definitely not for the children.
I hope this helps somewhat.
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, I don’t have a law degree, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)
May 18th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I am another victim of divorce. I work in a factory make 22.00 an hour and ordered to pay 2100.00 a month for alimony. Man, every morning it chokes me that I go to work and now get the 7.06 an hour that is left to me
May 18th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
I hear you Louis… This is exactly why the alimony system that we have in place is just wrong! Granted, the judges in divorces try to make the most educated decision when it comes to alimony, but if someone has to get the short end of the stick it is all but guaranteed to be the man of the divorce. And I agree with Louis that there are situations where you can be a “Victim” of a divorce. It’s supposed to be a chance to move on with your life, get a chance at a new start, but that shouldn’t mean that you have to go back making minimum wage again.
Good luck to you!
Chris
May 19th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Ok, here we go.
I am a 30 year old man and married for 6 years. When we got married she was in her first year of medical school and I worked fulltime. While in medical school, we had a set plan of me quitting my job and finishing my college degree while she did her residency once she graduated from maedical school. After moving to a new city for her residency, we had our son about a month after she started. Fo the past three years, I have been the saty at home dad while she worked full time as a resident physician. HEr income has been dramatically small these past three years ($35,000-$44,000). Lately, we have been falling apart, and she has brought up dvorce several times. She will be a full blown doctor in September and has found a job in our hometown ($195,000 per year). Obviously, for our son’s sake, we are putting a strong efort down to work out our petty problems. But, if she decides to follow suit with a divorce, where do I stand financially. I have no degree and have been the primary caregiver for our son his entire three years of life. I was just curious about how much of a shift alimony is when the gender roles are switched.
June 10th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
I would like another type of divorce to be heard.
My ex and I separated in July of 2006. We have spent the first two years learning how to be co-parents, but the majority of the first year was my ex insisting that I was going to go psycho bitch on him because of websites like these and family and friends that just couldn’t believe that I wasn’t out for his blood. My primary focus has been the children.
Let me tell you this – as hard as it has been trying to convince my ex that my only concern is for the children, I don’t regret it. We have an exceptional relationship with our children AND each other, but it is only because we got to a point that we trusted each other that the children will come first. Even if I hated my ex, and I have on multiple occasions, I would NOT screw my child out of their relationship with their father… or vice versa.
Things were initially very difficult. My ex was very angry, occasionally spiteful and consistently worried that he was going to lose contact with the girls. We had many very ugly fights. The thing that we both would remember, after we calmed down, was that just because WE weren’t good as husband/wife, the girls did NOT deserve to have anything but the best parents we could be. It always comes back to that.
I think many men are worried that they will be getting screwed in the divorce and custody and, I honestly believe, that in MANY cases they do. I think women hold most of the cards in a divorce with kids which makes men want to fight harder. I made sure that I thought about what we all needed to survive and thrive without the court or lawyers getting involved. I took $800 less a month so that my ex wouldn’t be broke (yes, it made it harded on me, but I wasn’t looking to make a profit on my kids). I NEVER considered alimony!!
My ex gets the kids every weekend. If I want them on the weekend, it isn’t an issue and if he can take them during the week it is fine with me. It is good for them and him. Of course I miss them, but I know that he misses them during the week, so I suck it up.
We often spend holidays together (since we are all in NC without other family around it usually works out) or we talk about the holidays and come to an agreement. We all (I am remarried and expecting) went to our oldest’s first grade Celebration of the Family. People often look at us like we are crazy or are waiting for the ugly fireworks to begin, but they do get use to us.
We don’t have a formal custody or child support agreement. My ex (FINALLY) knows that I am not out for his blood and I trust that he won’t throw me under the bus.
As far as my huband, I would not have dated someone that couldn’t tolerate my ex as an intergral part of my life. My ex really likes my husband and we all get along.
IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY, but it is ALWAYS worth it for the girls!!
Best of all the girls are happy, which makes us all happy.
The Ironic thing is that I came to this site because my husbands ex wife IS the vengeful, spiteful ex that “DESERVES” his money and will make him “pay”. It infuriates me that I have done my level best to be fair to my ex and now I am getting screwed with my husband because of the type of woman that I loathe.
Anyway, I just wanted to give a hopeful version of this often shitty divorce story. Good luck!
June 10th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I just left court today and boy did I get slammed during a pre-trial divorce hearing. I was married for 22 years until the soon to be ex wife bailed out last July and filed for divorce. All of this time until today my divorce lawyer did not know (or we were not told) what she wanted until right before the hearing. Granted I make double of what she makes, but I remained in the family home while she moved to an apartment. Well apparently my lawyer was not good because even though she works I was hammered. The Judge’s recommendation was that I pay alimony of $850 month for 5 years, she get 55% of the equity from the home, only pay 30% of marital debt, 50% of both my retirement and 401K along with paying $5000.00 in attorney’s fees. I think it is time for trial, how much more can I lose?
June 18th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I’m a husband of 3 years now and I’m very embarassed to say I’m in a physically abusive relationship, but…. Not on my part. I’ve had 3 years of hiding it and being embarassed to say my wife is physically abusive towards me because lets be honest, in our society who would REALLY believe a husband that comes out and says something like that.
Now onto my question, what options do I have for getting a divorce? She’s promised me a million times it won’t happen again but nothing ever changes. I was raised better than to put my hands on a woman but every time it happens I feel my self control slipping and I’m really afraid I’ll strike back. The latest incident really sent me over the edge as I broke my heel a couple months ago and had surgery so I’m on crutches and whatnot and she grabbed my brace with my foot still in it and wrenched my ankle, throws my crutches at me while I’m laying on the bed, and pushes me over when I’m standing.
I know I don’t have to put up with this but what can I do? She works at a bank and is personal friends with ALOT of cops so I’m afraid to go there as she is definitely capable of lying to them, and a judge, about what really goes on.
I’m at my wits end but I really feel trapped. We have so much intertwined debt I don’t want some gender rascist judge ordering me to pay it all. Please help.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Sean,
There is no reason to be embarrassed just because you have the self-restraint to not strike back. You need to hold onto that as long as you can! One incident when you do slip, and then all the sudden you are an abusive husband, and that will make things a lot worse.
I was in a very similar situation, which is the main reason why I started this website. You seriously need to assess your situation and make a choice to put a stop to the way your marriage is heading. But before you do that, there are some steps that need to be taken.
If you get a chance email me at chris@mensdivorcehq.org and I can go in more depth about what you can do. In fact, that goes for anyone else who has questions or needs to vent about their divorce, and don’t feel comfortable posting it in a comment.
Chris
(Disclaimer: Remember, I don’t have a law degree, I am not a divorce attorney and any information and/or opinions that I provide should not be construed as legal advice.)
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